In the 1980s, I went through an Anne Tyler kick. I love many of her books, but The Accidental Tourist has been my favorite ever since I read it. The movie was just as compelling to me—William Hurt and Geena Davis are a-maize-ing—and I wrote a paper on it for my film class at the University of Michigan, both in honor of Anne Tyler and because the director and screenwriter Lawrence Kasden was also both a Wolverine and a Hopwood Award winner (though he won four to my three, which is both a humblebrag for me and sincerely the accomplishment I remember most fondly from college).

I don’t remember what my paper’s topic was, though I do have a copy here somewhere on my 3.5” floppy archives, but one of the things that I loved about the film was Macon’s guidebook recommendations voiced over his life in The Leary Groove, essentially as commentary. Recently I watched the movie again (the acting holds up) and then went looking for someone who had pulled out all his Accidental Tourist guidebook quotes. Finding none, I made one below.

Parenthetical page numbers are from the Knopf hardcover, 1985, ISBN 0-394-54689-X.

From the Novel

I am happy to say that it’s possible now to buy Kentucky Fried Chicken in Stockholm. Pita bread, too. (13)

One suit is plenty if you take along some travel-size packets of spot remover. The suit should be a medium gray. Gray not only hides the dirt; it’s handy for sudden funerals and other formal events. At the same time, it isn’t too somber for everyday. (24)

Bring only what fits in a carry-on bag. Checking your luggage is asking for trouble. Add several travel-size packets of detergent so you won’t fall into the hands of foreign laundries. (25)

Always bring a book, as protection against strangers. Magazines don’t last. Newspapers from home will make you homesick, and newspapers from elsewhere will remind you you don’t belong. You know how alien another paper’s typeface seems. (31)

I recommend the Underground for everyone except those afraid of heights, and even for them if they will avoid the following stations, which have exceptionally steep escalators…. (34)

No fumbling with unfamiliar coins, no peering at misleading imprints, if you separate and classify foreign money ahead of time. (35)

Generally food in England is not as jarring as in other foreign countries. Nice cooked vegetables, things in white sauce, pudding for dessert… I don’t know why some travelers complain about English food. (55)

A subway is not an underground train. (69)

Don’t say restroom, say toilet. (69)

Getting there is difficult because the freeway is so blank you start feeling all lost and sad. And once you’ve arrived, it’s worse. The streets are not like ours and don’t even run at right angles. … something sort of cold and yellow I would almost describe as foreign. The hot dog I can recommend, though it made me a little regretful because Sarah, my wife, uses the same kind of chili sauce and I thought of home the minute I smelled it. … since you’ll be driving into Baltimore right past Lexington Market and will want to pick up your crabs before it closes. (87-8, from Macon’s free-lance article to a neighborhood weekly about a crafts fair, “CRAFTS FAIR DELIGHTS, INSTRUCTS, Or, I Feel So Break-Up, I Want to Go Home,” which connected him to Julian.)

Have chewing gum handy. (158)

The airport in Atlanta must have ten miles of corridors. (234-5)

In Germany, the commercial traveler must be punctual for all appointments, in Switzerland he should be five minutes early, in Italy delays of several hours are not uncommon… (283, in a dream.)

Travelers should be forewarned… (312, thought never finished.)

It’s puzzling how the French are so tender in preparing their food but so rough in serving it. (332)

Don’t fall for prix fixe. It’s like a mother saying, “Eat, eat”—all those courses forced on you… (335)

From the Film Script

The Business Traveler should bring only what fits in a carry-on bag. Checking your luggage is asking for trouble.

Add several travel-size packets of detergent so you won’t fall into the hands of unfamiliar laundries. There are very few necessities in this world which do not come in travel-size packets.

One suit is plenty … if you take along travel-size packets of spot remover. The suit should be medium gray. Gray not only hides the dirt, but is handy for sudden funerals.

Always bring a book as protection against strangers. Magazines don’t last and newspapers from elsewhere will remind you you don’t belong. But don’t take more than one book. It is a common mistake to overestimate one’s potential free time and consequently overpack. In travel, as in most of life, less is invariably more.

And most importantly, never take along anything on your journey so valuable or dear that its loss would devastate you.

In the southeast they say that if you want to go to Heaven, you have to change plans in Atlanta. The airport there must have ten miles of corridors.

I recommend the underground for everyone except those afraid of heights, and even for them if they will avoid the following stations.

Generally food in England is not as jarring as in other foreign countries. Nice cooked vegetables, things in white sauce. I don’t know why some travelers complain about English food.

It is an unfortunate fact that even the most conscientious traveler cannot be prepared for every encounter. At such times, one must remain calm and rely upon one’s innate common sense.

Even the most disciplined professional traveler may sometimes stumble across the unexpected item he feels he simply must take home. That’s fine as long as one is willing to accept the inconvenience and awkwardness that comes with each additional piece of baggage.

It’s puzzling how the French are so tender in preparing their food but so rough in serving it.

Don’t fall for the prix fixe. It’s like a mother saying “Eat, eat” — all those courses forced on you.